Today, November 22, 2013 is about as bad as it gets. A 9.75 on a scale of ten. My depression is as dark as the rainy skies. My entire being is overtaken by the demon - physical, psychic, emotional, cellular. I'm forcing myself to putter in the house - laundry, a little cleaning, will try and make a pot of soup so my body can be nourished. I eat so poorly. Last night, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and bag of potato chips - real good Joan - real good. So much for the sugar/gluten free trial - it didn't work. There seems to be no cure for my illness.
I hope the food I bought yesterday doesn't wind up in the trash, as it often does from good intentions but then unable to follow through with cooking. I keep asking myself "how did this happen to me", "how did I wind up all alone"? I guess becoming a hermit when Rick left me 35 years ago did it. It's a sharp double edged sword. I long to be connected but the depression isolates me. The loneliness pierces my heart over and over and makes it bleed. I'm a kind, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful person - how did this happen? Yes, in spite of all I know, sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I write these blogs now for myself. My one friend who reads them knows me so well - M - you shouldn't be surprised by any of this any more, and be glad that you are with your joyful blonde instead of this pathetic piece of crap. Writing is a way of venting some of the pain.
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