Embracing the illness

I was so sick the past weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. Yesterday, I thought, why not try embracing this illness instead of loathing it. It is part of me and is not going away. Maybe it's a zen approach, I don't know. What I do know is that I cannot live this way anymore, so it's worth a try. It won't take away the depression but maybe it will be easier to live with. I need to have compassion for my sick self, the way I have compassion for all living things.

Just Saying . . .

I try very hard not to hate what this illness has done to my life. That takes a lot of energy. And there is not much energy to spare when consumed with emotional and physical pain.

An ironic turn of event . . . I finally scheduled an appointment for an ECT evaluation and had psyched myself up to go tomorrow when I got a call from the ECT nurse saying their hospital did not have a contract with my insurance carrier. Most likely, I would not have subjected myself to this bizarre treatment anyway but I had promised my doctor I would look into it if I became suicidal, which I came close to last week. Luckily I still have some resiliency left to rise above those thoughts. This is just so freakin' hard. It's Xmas day and not one phone call. I will go to Kristen and John for dinner later. So grateful for that.

"Everybody hurts."

yesterday

I was in so much pain yesterday, I could barely stand it. Crying turned into a scream, coming from the depth of my being. It was frightening. The depression seems to be getting worse. I always had it but it wasn't so bad. I was able to participate in life and now It's nearly impossible. The isolation is killing me. Being so sick yesterday and not one soul to turn to for comfort. No one to visit me, no phone calls (except M). I would think that in this world with billions of people, I cold find one person for myself. But no, I don't think it's meant to be. I see three options for myself. Continue living as is, try ECT therapy, and three, take my life. None of these are acceptable, so what do I do? I heard, somewhere, the other day that we are born to survive. I keep that thought in my head. I am so lost and so broken. It's so unfair but I'm well aware that life is not fair. I'd prefer to have terminal cancer and know that my suffering would end soon. And chemo patients get all kinds of free services to help them through - like massage. But no one knows how much massage helps depression, the touch  of another person. But massage is expensive so it is a rare treat. There are no such perks for depression because society still does not recognize it as a true illness.  Believe me, it is all too real. May I get through this day with dignity and grace in the face of this demon illness.