yesterday

I was in so much pain yesterday, I could barely stand it. Crying turned into a scream, coming from the depth of my being. It was frightening. The depression seems to be getting worse. I always had it but it wasn't so bad. I was able to participate in life and now It's nearly impossible. The isolation is killing me. Being so sick yesterday and not one soul to turn to for comfort. No one to visit me, no phone calls (except M). I would think that in this world with billions of people, I cold find one person for myself. But no, I don't think it's meant to be. I see three options for myself. Continue living as is, try ECT therapy, and three, take my life. None of these are acceptable, so what do I do? I heard, somewhere, the other day that we are born to survive. I keep that thought in my head. I am so lost and so broken. It's so unfair but I'm well aware that life is not fair. I'd prefer to have terminal cancer and know that my suffering would end soon. And chemo patients get all kinds of free services to help them through - like massage. But no one knows how much massage helps depression, the touch  of another person. But massage is expensive so it is a rare treat. There are no such perks for depression because society still does not recognize it as a true illness.  Believe me, it is all too real. May I get through this day with dignity and grace in the face of this demon illness.