A Devastated Life

Today, November 22, 2013 is about as bad as it gets. A 9.75 on a scale of ten. My depression is as dark as the rainy skies. My entire being is overtaken by the demon - physical, psychic, emotional, cellular. I'm forcing myself to putter in the house - laundry, a little cleaning, will try and make a pot of soup so my body can be nourished. I eat so poorly. Last night, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and bag of potato chips - real good Joan - real good. So much for the sugar/gluten free trial - it didn't work. There seems to be no cure for my illness.
I hope the food I bought yesterday doesn't wind up in the trash, as it often does from good intentions but then unable to follow through with cooking. I keep asking myself "how did this happen to me", "how did I wind up all alone"? I guess becoming a hermit when Rick left me 35 years ago did it. It's a sharp double edged sword. I long to be connected but the depression isolates me. The loneliness pierces my heart over and over and makes it bleed. I'm a kind, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful person - how did this happen? Yes, in spite of all I know, sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I write these blogs now for myself. My one friend who reads them knows me so well - M - you shouldn't be surprised by any of this any more, and be glad that you are with your joyful blonde instead of this pathetic piece of crap. Writing is a way of venting some of the pain.

It's Back Again . . .

At the advice of my doctor, I've been on a gluten/sugar free diet to see if these substances affect my depression. Depression lifted after 3 days on this diet and lasted for 1 month. Then I crashed. Doc suggests increasing my intake of fruits and veggies for the phytonutrients but it's nearly impossible to eat well when depressed. I really lost it the other day eating ice cream and potato chips. But I'm trying to stay with the diet as best I can. Doc says even if diet doesn't help depression, my body will be healthier. I missed 2 nights of tutoring because I couldn't function. I've done nothing more than sleep the past few days. I am totally affected by lack of sun and the coming winter will certainly be a challenge. I try not to absorb the pain of others but I don't have much of a shield. This makes my struggle even more difficult. If anyone reads my writing, I hope it helps you understand this illness, especially if you suffer yourself or have a loved one who does.