A Quote

 One reason I write this blog is to try and help others understand depression. I think the following may give some insight. The first paragraph is quoted from Kay Redfield Jamison, Night Falls Fast.

“The horror of profound depression, and the hopelessness that usually accompanies it, are hard to imagine for those who have not experienced them. Because the despair is private, it is resistant to clear and compelling description".  Novelist William Styron, however, in recounting his struggle with suicidal depression, captures vividly the heavy, inescapable pain. "What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room."

Writing Helps

Don't know how I survive this. Depression seems to be getting worse as I age. Maybe it's because I've wound up alone. I don't know why. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate person. Not having a family is brutal for me. Everyone around me talks about going here or there with a sister, or going to a family gathering, or how their children are doing. I hate complaining and always try hard to show a positive face. Often I succeed but there are times when it's impossible. Those are the times I just sleep because I can't bear the pain. There is nothing friends can do to help me so they tend to stay away which intensifies the isolation. They don't even read this blog. I think that people are still afraid of mental illness.

There are so many wonderful things I could participate in, but this illness renders me unable to do anything, to start anything. There is a nice gym here near my new home and I want to go. My body is weakening from lack of exercise. But the depression is paralyzing so I can't get there. I live close to a beautiful synagogue that I would like to go to, but I can't get there. There are beautiful walking paths here by my new home but I can't get there. There is also an art studio and a pottery studio - things I would love, but I can't get there. My one saving grace is the dog park - I can get there. Watching the dogs play always lifts me out of my head so I go everyday. The physical pain of my depression is intense. I feel it in my head and in my stomach. The only person I can talk to about this is my doctor. She listens with compassion and always tells me that I'm not alone - that we are in it together and are here to help each other. I'd be lost without her. Everyday I count my blessings - my pets, a beautiful and safe place to live, enough money to get by, a good part-time job, a few friends. But it is hard not to feel broken, because I am. My heart and my life have been broken. Faith Middleton, on NPR, talks about the richness of life. I am an outsider looking in at this richness - craving to taste it.