Why Depression?

I have no reason to be sad or depressed - I have a nice life. In depression, I'm always thinking if only I had this, if only I had that, I would feel better. But I know that no external thing, such as a job or relationship, will take away the depression. In depression, I have the same life I had out of depression. I have a beautiful new home, enough money to support myself, a few friends, my cat and my dog. I constantly need to remind myself of this. What I have is a serious illness that colors my world black. The loneliness in depression is excruciating and the physical pain is intense. But I would love to have someone of my own - someone who accepts and loves me with my illness and would support me through the episodes. I don't know if this would make me feel better but I think it would be wonderful. I don't think it will happen and I can't help believing that my life's journey is loneliness. Not having family leaves a huge whole in the human heart.

IT'S BACK AGAIN

After nearly 2 great months of being depression-free and enjoying life, the heaviness in my head and body are back. The black veil has fallen and envelops me in misery. I try to ignore it, knowing that this is the same life I had in those wonderful 2 months, but it doesn't work very well. Last night I awoke frequently with a wave of panic washing through me each time. It's just so sad because life has much beauty. In this illness, everything hurts. I try not to be angry and sorry for myself, but that's hard too. Life is hardly worth living with this illness, but as always, my pets rescue me. Thank you Danni and Pasha.