Questions

Are our lives predestined? Why are some of us born into wealth and others into poverty? Why do some of us get loving, supportive parents while others are rejected, abused, or abandoned? Why are some given innate talent while others never find their passion? Why do some of us feel invisible while others are full of themselves?

These are questions to which I cannot find answers, yet I can't help asking them.

Embracing the illness

I was so sick the past weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. Yesterday, I thought, why not try embracing this illness instead of loathing it. It is part of me and is not going away. Maybe it's a zen approach, I don't know. What I do know is that I cannot live this way anymore, so it's worth a try. It won't take away the depression but maybe it will be easier to live with. I need to have compassion for my sick self, the way I have compassion for all living things.

Just Saying . . .

I try very hard not to hate what this illness has done to my life. That takes a lot of energy. And there is not much energy to spare when consumed with emotional and physical pain.

An ironic turn of event . . . I finally scheduled an appointment for an ECT evaluation and had psyched myself up to go tomorrow when I got a call from the ECT nurse saying their hospital did not have a contract with my insurance carrier. Most likely, I would not have subjected myself to this bizarre treatment anyway but I had promised my doctor I would look into it if I became suicidal, which I came close to last week. Luckily I still have some resiliency left to rise above those thoughts. This is just so freakin' hard. It's Xmas day and not one phone call. I will go to Kristen and John for dinner later. So grateful for that.

"Everybody hurts."

yesterday

I was in so much pain yesterday, I could barely stand it. Crying turned into a scream, coming from the depth of my being. It was frightening. The depression seems to be getting worse. I always had it but it wasn't so bad. I was able to participate in life and now It's nearly impossible. The isolation is killing me. Being so sick yesterday and not one soul to turn to for comfort. No one to visit me, no phone calls (except M). I would think that in this world with billions of people, I cold find one person for myself. But no, I don't think it's meant to be. I see three options for myself. Continue living as is, try ECT therapy, and three, take my life. None of these are acceptable, so what do I do? I heard, somewhere, the other day that we are born to survive. I keep that thought in my head. I am so lost and so broken. It's so unfair but I'm well aware that life is not fair. I'd prefer to have terminal cancer and know that my suffering would end soon. And chemo patients get all kinds of free services to help them through - like massage. But no one knows how much massage helps depression, the touch  of another person. But massage is expensive so it is a rare treat. There are no such perks for depression because society still does not recognize it as a true illness.  Believe me, it is all too real. May I get through this day with dignity and grace in the face of this demon illness.

A Devastated Life

Today, November 22, 2013 is about as bad as it gets. A 9.75 on a scale of ten. My depression is as dark as the rainy skies. My entire being is overtaken by the demon - physical, psychic, emotional, cellular. I'm forcing myself to putter in the house - laundry, a little cleaning, will try and make a pot of soup so my body can be nourished. I eat so poorly. Last night, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and bag of potato chips - real good Joan - real good. So much for the sugar/gluten free trial - it didn't work. There seems to be no cure for my illness.
I hope the food I bought yesterday doesn't wind up in the trash, as it often does from good intentions but then unable to follow through with cooking. I keep asking myself "how did this happen to me", "how did I wind up all alone"? I guess becoming a hermit when Rick left me 35 years ago did it. It's a sharp double edged sword. I long to be connected but the depression isolates me. The loneliness pierces my heart over and over and makes it bleed. I'm a kind, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful person - how did this happen? Yes, in spite of all I know, sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I write these blogs now for myself. My one friend who reads them knows me so well - M - you shouldn't be surprised by any of this any more, and be glad that you are with your joyful blonde instead of this pathetic piece of crap. Writing is a way of venting some of the pain.

It's Back Again . . .

At the advice of my doctor, I've been on a gluten/sugar free diet to see if these substances affect my depression. Depression lifted after 3 days on this diet and lasted for 1 month. Then I crashed. Doc suggests increasing my intake of fruits and veggies for the phytonutrients but it's nearly impossible to eat well when depressed. I really lost it the other day eating ice cream and potato chips. But I'm trying to stay with the diet as best I can. Doc says even if diet doesn't help depression, my body will be healthier. I missed 2 nights of tutoring because I couldn't function. I've done nothing more than sleep the past few days. I am totally affected by lack of sun and the coming winter will certainly be a challenge. I try not to absorb the pain of others but I don't have much of a shield. This makes my struggle even more difficult. If anyone reads my writing, I hope it helps you understand this illness, especially if you suffer yourself or have a loved one who does.

Survival

I don't know how I survive this illness. I must have some incredibly strong automatic pilot that keeps me going. It's so painful and difficult . . .